I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Randomize
