SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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