Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
She told me I should be a condom model.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
