i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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