I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I had to cum in my sink.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
