when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
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