but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
pray to the hookup gods
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Randomize