she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
