Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
