Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
