Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
