Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
