I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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