Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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