He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
