Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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