I want to have your abortion
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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