his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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