Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
