I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
