Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
he high fived his dick after we had sex
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
