it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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