Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
