i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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