The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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