I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
