I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I cut my penus on the lid.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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