you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
