I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
