everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
The air was thick with penises
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
