i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
