Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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