My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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