She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
My day in three words: secret purse cake
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
