I'm pants shitting drunk right now
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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