We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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