oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You are the jesus of drinking
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize