she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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