I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize