You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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