she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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