The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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