so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
