My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
