see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
