I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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