party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
