If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize