Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
