I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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