this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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