i barfeds in our rink
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
