we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Randomize
