Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
