Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
