I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
