I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
