I can text with my tongue
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
