Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
