I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
