im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
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