I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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