If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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