Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
