im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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