Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
