i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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