Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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