Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
